Despair

I'm sitting on an airplane listening to "In Chrsit Alone," my favorite hymn, and a lot more meaningful given my recent completion of Philip Yancey's, "The Jesus I Never Knew."

I'm not sure where I'm going with this tonight. Thoughts of God and love and worship and musical ADD have been in my head all night.

I found a way to be a more patient traveller. Take a book with "JESUS" printed in big letters across it. Between fears of being seen as the "rude Christian," and the guilt trip within the pages, I sit quietly and patiently. One day, perhaps, I can get the effect without the actual book.

Maybe I should work out a few of my spiritual feelings. It's so much easier with a real pen and paper, and my wonderings and doubts always seem to come to a happy ending that way.

The cold bothers me. I've often been annoyed at myself as a human - when I'm hungry or cold, all I can think about is fixing the problem. I get grumpy like a two-year-old when I'm tired.

It was actually a Christian play that introduced me to the concept - "cold is the absence of heat." We had fires long before we had airconditioners, because it's easier to make heat than take it away. Well, when I'm struck with the bitter cold of winter, I'm also struck with bitter emotions.

Much like my thought process with spiders, I wonder why God even invented winter. Or why did he give us bodies that were so sensitive to the cold?

I've been terribly amazed at cultures that choose to live in the northern areas. Especially those cultures that migrated north years ago - when technology was inaccessibile, and the world wasn't crowding them out.

This winter has brought something new. Being in Chicago and Michigan, I've experienced botha longer winter, and a winter without the thaws of my usual "mild" Kansas winters. (I've also been forced to bundle up inside a lot more).

Last winter seemed perfect. And yet, as I remember standing over the heating vent for warmth in our leaky house, I remember feeling even then the feeling I feel now. I feel it every year. Despair.

It's like God abandoned the world to freeze. Has our planet been knocked further away from the sun? If God is light, if he's all that is good and pleasing, then where is he now?

As blasphemous as these thoughts are, they arent' just mine. Winter always sees an increase in cases of depression and suicide. We need the sun - it provides essential vitamins and lightens our moods. So, once again, is God trying to depress us?

I was thinking over, "Indescribable," another of my favorites (probably due to the amazing violin interlude compliments of Ben Worchester). "Who imagined the sun and gave source to its light?" The song asks. I have often been in awe of the sun. Trying not to corss the fine line, I don't wonder why ancient cultures worshipped it. But I try to give all the credit to its Creator instead. He made so many other things, after all. But I like the word, "imagined."

The sun is such a unique idea. Remember summer heat? Sunburns? All that comes from a fiery ball billions of miles away. And, of course, there are trillions of stars so powerful.

If you've ever watched a sunrise, you'd be in awe. But more amazing is the pre-dawn light that creeps around the corner ahead of it. It's that powerful.

So why can't it reach Chicago in February? The next line, "Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night," tels me little, although I think the key word is "yet." So God conceals the sun, too. For us.

Now I think I've hit on it. God created a day of rest each week, and even years of rest. A friend once told me that "God wants us to rest." And I see evidence of this.

We're doing a good job of it. We work less than ever before (although still more than the rest of the Western world). But God gave us built-in breaks - night. Every niht he hides the sun, and we return home to be with our families. To sleep.

I suppose winter's the same way. When your crops don't grow, you hide away in your warm houses. Bears have the right idea.

The problem is, then, our culture. And technology. I have to brave the hopeless cold every day because I am not a farmer. Accountants are actually busiest in winter. Now for me, this means I'm free when the weather's wram to take vacations and enjoy long evenings. So maybe I shoudl see winter as a blessing. God's trying to get us to slow down a bit and recover from "harvest."

I'm just blessed to be in heated environments looking forward to time off in April. that's not hopeless. That is hope.