As I sit in the airport again, I think about the last few days. Yesterday I had planned to write a blurb about love. You know – the subject of about 1/3 of my girl-talk. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit, I’ve been watching Sex and the City recently. I think I’m attracted to the show because of the lifestyle the main character leads. And by that I don’t mean promiscuous. She’s a writer, so she’s – free. And her friends seem to not have regular 9 – 5 jobs either. While the series does mention her job quite a bit, it also shows a very carefree woman who may as well be unemployed by the strange hours she keeps.
Well, watching the show is interesting because it confirms everything I was raised to hold true. As free as her life is, she is not necessarily happy. She’s searching. For love, I think. She goes from guy to guy, sometimes staying with one quite a while, and the whole time all she’s after is sex. And after that – there’s no commitment. A Christian friend once compared lifestyles like this to being married and divorced – a lot. And I think it’s a good comparison. Other analogies refer to ‘giving little pieces of yourself away.’ Even though she’s afraid to admit it, I think she wants a lasting love – security, marriage. But who would marry her when they can have what they see as the same level of relationship without the commitment? Come to think of it, why are guys afraid of commitment like that? Or, I suppose, what are they hoping to get out of not committing? Freedom to walk away, I know. So that means that any woman who lives with a man she’s not married is essentially setting herself up for eventual “divorce” without the legal fees.
See, I hadn’t meant to rant about that. In fact, that wasn’t what my discourse on love was going to be about, but I suppose I should support my rambling fingers’ desires to display other topics. I’ve been listening to music on my Ipod, which seems to be against me. Somehow, even though it pulled songs from my “top rated” list, it seems to want to play songs that I’m only semi in the mood for. Where’s that David Crowder song I like?
The other day at work I listened to “Hosanna” by Hillsong about 30 times in a row. I’m not kidding you. It was so comforting! It reminded me of the happiest place I’ve ever been – UCC. It reminded me of summer, of worship, of being with friends and people. But it also contained some words in the bridge that I found myself contemplating.
“Break my heart for what breaks yours.”
I got to thinking about what breaks my heart and what breaks God’s heart. Essentially, anything that breaks my heart breaks God’s as well. But it doesn’t work the same way backwards. It should, though, shouldn’t it?
I think of things that break my heart that may not quite get to me as much if I weren’t a Christian. Perhaps the most significant thing that breaks God’s heart (and mine) would be a non-believer. An atheist would not be heart-broken about another atheist. But I can see God looking on both of them and yearning, literally aching, for them to come to Him. And I can see myself feeling the same way. Acting on that ache, I suppose, is a little harder.
Any injustice breaks God’s heart. So it should break mine, too. The problem is: sometimes I am the cause of God’s heartbreak. I don’t live up to the name of Christian very well, do I? I suppose it’s a big burden to bear – “acting” like a good Christian in front of others. When I’m reading my Jesus or Prayer books in public, I can hardly be rude, can I?
But I shouldn’t really want to be rude…
And the more I think about it, I suppose my initial thought may not be true. Or is it? Rather than argue with myself, I better just lay my thoughts out there. Things that break my heart can be selfish. I’m not saying that when I don’t get my way in little things, that my heart breaks. But some things that break my heart may be things I have to endure. They may be part of God’s plan, or God’s way of teaching me something. Of course, the very most obvious evidence of this phenomenon is the ever popular “romantic” heart break.
Another song I’m loving recently is “The Broken Road” or “God Bless the Broken Road” or something. I think I want to sing it at my wedding. A friend confronted me with it when I said that, she said, “Your road hasn’t been broken.” But I beg to differ. I think it would apply to almost anyone who finally finds their one true love – unless you find that person on the first shot.
The phrase, “Every long lost dream led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were just Northern Stars.” What poetry! I may not be a broken person, but I’ve experienced broken dreams. In fact, the hardest hit I ever took made me feel certain that something would come out of it. That it was my destiny. Perhaps it still is. And northern stars? What a positive way to look at people who rejected you! Maybe I haven’t got all the way to “broken heart” yet, since I still refuse to be in love. Or have been in love. But I’ve experienced the pain of going months and months and years and years without any positive affirmation. That’s heartbreaking, isn’t it?
But my point is, just because my heart is or was breaking, doesn’t mean God’s is. Or does it? God may have a plan for me and my broken dreams, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel my pain as I go through it, right? The analogy of God as a father is used a lot, and I think it holds true here. Parents who discipline their children feel the very pain they are inflicting. They endure it because they love the children.
I suppose I wonder what kind of life God leads on a day to day basis. So powerful. So loving. So good. So perfect. And yet, his heart must be breaking constantly! From every child of his who experiences any sort of a heartbreak, and from whose who have not yet turned to him and accepted his love. Perhaps that’s why Jesus’ analogies are always so severe. He’s always talking about feasts and celebrations and all the angels rejoicing. I have no doubt that’s how it actually is. I mean, if God’s heart is constantly in a state of brokenness over us, then how much more wonderful when he gets the chance to take a break from the pain to rejoice over a lost sheep who is found.
I don’t know if I even have a point. Maybe it’s just that I need to be more aware of what breaks God’s heart – especially when it’s me causing the heartbreak.
And I wish my iPod would play that song again…
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