Don't Hate Me...

So I was at church today in downtown Chicago, and it was one of those excellent sermons that speaks to you. I suppose that's the real beauty of church - when the Spirit moves in our lives, 300 people can hear the same message and feel like it was personalized to them.

But literally, this pastor spoke to me. He said the words, "To all you singles out there." Wow. You know, pastors don't do that a lot. Probably the biggest failing of my last church was its inability to cope with single people. There were married couples and families. And College kids, but somehow, their singleness was never addressed.

So this pastor had the courage to stand and address us as a group, and what he said somehow got through to me. I've heard almost the same words from books and my girl friends. But perhaps it was his courage to actually say it out loud to a large group of people. Or maybe it was because he was a guy, and so it was proof that guys struggle with, or at least see, this same side of life. Whatever it was, it convicted me.

He was speaking, of course, on how single people make it their ultimate goal in life to get married. They put their hope in marriage. Their self-worth in whether they get married or not. And ultimately - getting married becomes their god.

Now, we all have gods. In fact, the pastor made another interesting point. The commandment reads, "Thou shalt have no other gods before me." God somehow knew it was inevitable that we, sinful humans, would find other things to worship. However, he wanted to be first in our hearts, and when he is first, those other "gods" melt away.

So back to being single.

See, marriage is a god-ordained union. He created it and supports it and even says that we are supposed to leave and start a family. In this same sermon, at another point (yes, it was that full of deep little inspiring tidbits) the pastor mentioned how, in the Jewish culture at Jesus' time, a person's self-worth was their family. That's all they were. I certainly know that women, from the beginning of time on, have been reliant on the men in their lives for self-worth.

So the pastor was saying that we need to find our self-worth in God, not in others. Not in marriage. Not in a guy (or girl). But God.

And yet, family is so important.

Which is what leads me to my controversial thought - maybe arranged marriages weren't so bad after all.

Think about it. Back in the day, parents would arrange marriages for their kids. In a perfect world, this would be done to ensure the kids' security and happiness. Often it was abused, as fathers "sold" their daughters to whatever suitor was the richest or best connected. Surely people fell in love - the Bible certainly had many instances when a man fell in love with a woman and pursued her and won her.

I've actually never been that opposed to the idea. I mean, the last thing anyone of us wants is to enter into a marriage that won't work. But if the marriage is forced - then you, too, are forced to make it work. Now, while the Jewish law allowed for a pretty easy divorce, Jesus taught against it, so that the Christian arranged marriage really was a lifelong union. And perhaps it was a lifetime of struggle and despair. But don't you think that, knowing there's no other option, if you were stuck in an unhappy, loveless marriage, you'd do everythig you could to change it?

In the end, perhaps I'm a bit of a romantic. Swayed by books like "Love Comes Softly" or "Pride and Prejudice." You know - make life easy. Find me a husband first. I'll get to know him later.

But take my bitterness out of this. If there really are thousands of sad, lonely singles out there, maybe something's gone wrong with our system? Arranged marriages worked for thousands of years, and now all of the sudden, when we have freedom to choose who to marry, people also seem to think they have the freedom to choose when to end the marriage.

God doesn't want marriage to be out idol. He wants to be the focus. And that's what struck me. Maybe if my father were to hand me a guy and say, "Congratulations, Sarah, we've set the wedding date for October 14th, does that work for you?" I feel as if I could focus more on other things. "Finding a guy" could be pigeonholed while I grow closer to God, work on my career, and try to smile at my arch-nemesis when she starts boring us all at work.

God was okay with that way of life for millenia. I don't really think he's "un-okay" with it. Like I said, especially when it's done in love. Would my dad pick the right guy for me? Maybe not, but I know he'd try.

So what's my point? That I'd like my parents to arrange my marriage? Actually, it's not. See, I realized that, even though I wasn't part of this movement, I came from it. There are 10 things in our lives that we cannot change, no matter how hard we try, and one of those is our "time in history." So I'm having trouble finding a guy on my own - there's a reason God didn't stick me back in the "marry whoever your father tells you to" age. And I have to trust Him in that.

For one, it really speaks to me about God's gift to us - the gift to choose. In a smaller way. I see that God's all about freedom. He gave us the choice to choose him or not. He gave us freedom from our sins. And now, indirectly, he's given me the freedom to make my own decisions when it comes to getting married. Freedom - but I have to follow him in it.

See, it is easy for "being married" to be an idol. And I don't know what giving that up to God looks like - because really, it's an emotion. It's so much "easier" to, say, give up drinking for God. But to give up an emotion? That's too abstract. Not concrete. And maybe it's our challenge.

I don't know where to go from here, but I do know that I want to change. More so, or at least as much as ever. And God and I will have to work that out, because, as the pastor pointed out, following Jesus means "total abandonment." Total. So I dont' know what God wants me to do or where my next step should be, but I do know that I should follow it without looking back - even if, no, especially if, it seems to lead me away from the idol I've been chasing for so long.