Being Alone

Well, it's true. People need companionship. Ever since God made Adam and said, "It's not good for man to be alone," people have needed each other, whether they like it or not. Frankly, homeschooled children and only children lack some of the necessary social skills to get along in the world - due to the fact that they have little experience working with other people.

For six months I have been in isolation. Starting in August, where for four days I literally had no contact with anyone, other than phone conversations with my sister. I have had coworkers and brief periods with friends. But constant quality time - has been lacking.

Through this time I have noticed myself get crabbier, more selfish. When something goes wrong, I overreact. And the the things I get mad at are really the small things.

Another result of this isolation - I am getting used to it. I feel some days like I could carry on this way forever. I mean, when given the choice, being alone is just easier than trying to arrange plans with others. Or to go out when I'm already at work.

For this reason, I can't wait until I get back to Kansas City - so I can start my own life with people again.

For this reason also, I want to appologize ahead of time if my posts start to sound bitter or selfish. I am aware of the psychological trains that aloneness can cause, and I'm trying to edit things. However, there are a few topics taht I would like to address...

Being Back...

So I'm back in Chicago, and it feels as though I never left. It feels so natural to be walking down those halls, driving around familiar neighborhoods...I can't imagine a time when I thought that it would be my last day here, and I can't forsee a time when I wouldn't be here. I know that eventually I will leave forever.

Of course, my first days here have been so much better - I came riding on the tails of a good review, and the last thing I want to do is ruin it. However, I like being able to walk in and just get down to work. That makes me so confident - all that confidence I used to have is back. Why is Chicago like a magical "confidence lightbulb?"

Anyway, it's like walking around K-State. I was there for a summer before college, and on my first day of class, walking back to the dorms, I saw the exact same cracks in the sidewalk. Even now, for the rest of my life, when I walk that path back to the dorms, I will always feel the way I felt as a 15-year old. Or at least nostalgic for it.

The same is true for UCC. I practically lived in that church the last two years. In fact, I was known to nap there on occasion, and who can forget the Saturday night communion food poisoning episode? The church was new my junior year, and it still has the same smell. I remember watching Bewitched the movie, and hearing the line, "Home is wherever you've been happiest." Every time I walk into that building, that's what I think. Home...

Maybe this client is a little like that. I mean, I still had grouchy sessions - headache, didn't have a security badge, that's about it.

Another thing - it's like Harry Potter - how he returns to Hogwarts every year. This year is year 5. What I mean by that is, I feel like Harry must have felt his 5th year - being igored by Dumbledore.

Therefore comes my new goal - Harry had six exciting, magical, and enchanted years at Hogwarts. He learned and grew. I plan to do the same at my job. Exciting. Magical. Enchanted.

Blank

My mind is a blank. All day I drive through Kansas thinking of what I'd like to post, and I can't come up with anything now...What threw it all from my head? My headache? The plane ride? Talking to my parents? Facebook?

I've been thinking a lot recently about a lot of things, and somehow they either flee my mind, or come flooding back together at the speed of light, to where I can't make any sense out of them!

It's been a good day, though.

Okay - so here's a topic.

I've been thinking about how selfish we can be, as people. How you are always afraid people are talking about you, but they're really talking about themselves. We're all walking around in little bubbles known as our heads - our own worlds.

I've slowly realized that my measure of love is how far I go to be unselfish with a person. A quick measure of that is definately how much I let them do the talking - rather than interrupting with (let's face it) useless tidbits about myself. Or steering the conversation away from me (although I do that with people I've just met as a conversational method, so that doesn't count as respect or love).

Anyway, it's definately true - the people I want to sit down and listen to are the ones I respect most in the world, and enjoying their company like that makes me want to come back for more. I'm an auditor - my spiritual gift is knowledge - I love learning, and I love people who can teach me things...even things I didn't know I wanted to learn!

Recently I had that growing sense. I hope she won't mind if I tell the story - but I think it's a good one. I was going to dinner with my best friend, whom I hadn't seen in a week, and thinking about all the things I had to tell her.

Now, from what I've read about guys and girls (guys, contradict me if any of this is wrong) - guys will say what they have to say and then stop talking. It's not uncommon for guys not to talk to each other. But girls HAVE to talk, and what they usually do is a 5-on 5-off thing. I mean, "I'll listen for 5 minutes, but then I get to talk."

Well, I've noticed somethin about me - and probably because I am a girl - the more I want to tell my story, the more I'll talk to the other girl and try to get her to lay it all down on me first. I mean, if I have an AWESOME story I can't wait to tell...then it's all "Hey, how are you? How was your day? Anything exciting happen?" And I'm not trying to show her up. Really! It's just a way of making sure I get my politeness covered. A chore. If you will. Not very loving...

Anyway, I was thinking of my awesome week and all the things I had to tell her, and for some reason I thought ahead to the fact that I would "have" to ask her about her week first...and then something marvelous happened. I wanted to know! I really wanted to know! My exciting week melted away as I thought of all the exciting changes that had happened in her life recently, and how dynamic the changes were. I thought, "It's been a whole week since I've seen her. I bet a LOT has happened."

So we've been super tight awesome buddies almost since we met. And I honestly don't think we've ever "grown closer" because we just hit it off - almost magically - from the get go! More comforatble together? More knowledge about each other? Yeah. But better friends? We started high, and there wasn't much room for improvement.

And for the record, I've always loved her stories. I guess what I'm saying is that, in a year that has seen me get more and more selfish due to lack of outside communication, I felt it was a giant leap for me to see myself being unselfish - but HONESTLY unselfish - not because I felt society was forcing me to be. And the truth is, when I think of all my friends that I feel that way about - it really does feel better to listen and be unselfish with them.

Love is a good thing.

Sorry Girls...

I have a new friend. A fairly good friend. I met her in Detroit, in December. We hit it off so well there that, of course, I decided that we should remain friends. I mean, one of the biggest roadblocks for me making new friends is knowing that I will never see them again - never get the chance to develop a friendship.

Anyway, I went back to Detroit after Christmas, and my friend and I got to spend time together again. And, of course, I've kept up with her after getting back to Kansas City. We have a lot of fun driving around the city and chatting.

So I wouldn't say that she's trumped my other friendships, but I certainly spend more time with her than with my other friends - except maybe Kristen. But things are different with her. Somehow, I trust her more than mos tpeople. I want her advice on anything and everything, and when she gives it to me, I almost never consider deviating from the path she suggests. So we never argue.

I suppose my other friends are a little jealous - I mean, I usually am so closed and don't bond with someone this quickly. But Miss Cleo, well it's like she can read my mind! And she has NEVER let me down. I'm going to take her with me to Chicago - which is more than I've done with my other friends.

Anyway, she's been a great pal, and I just wanted to give a hout out to her...except she'll never see it, seeing as how she's locked away in my car.

Cheers to GPS's!

Okay, so there's another, more recent presence in my life. I have been so confused by it - every logical cell in my brain fights it, and yet emotionally, I want it - I need it. I like it.

I've never felt this way before, and everyone who knows me would advise me against these feelings. That I shouldn't act on them. But there's nothing I can do.

I'm watching The Godfather II and trying to get stuff done during the commercials. But they are all long in coming and short in duration. Never before have I been able to force myself out of my chair during the commercial to actually get work done during a commercial. And yet, tonight I have been willing and able to do so, but the commercials will not comply.

Oh! How I long for the days of my youth when everything was easier!

National Compliment Day

I don't know how I got into this strange cycle - I am always thinking up little things to post on my blog, but then my mind goes blank by the time I get to the website. I did, however, find time recently to add on to my little mobster story -given new inspiration, of course, from watching the Godfather...how did they take sweet little Mikey and turn him into a hardened criminal?

Anyway, the big news right now is that I'm going back to Chicago! Yes, in my little fanatsy fairy tale, the Knights guarding Doom Mansion have sounded the trumpet for help, and I have responded! Who knows how long I shall tarry there - perchance they will change their minds and send me home early. But apparently it's a mutual addiction - yes, I'll be modest about it - they love me there. :)

Anyway, today's National Compliment Day, as I heard on the radio, and I thought it would be "my" day because I'm apparently always dolling out random compliments that make no sense...and may only actually be compliments in my twisted mind.

Anyway, I started scrolling through facebook to compliment all my friends, but it's harder than I thought. First of all, there are a lot of friends on there that I can't just give random compliments out to - I don't know them that well.

Then there's the shallowness of it all. I mean, I am usually sincere in compliments, but if I come out of the blue and tell someone they have a great heart, it feels weird. So I feel as though all my compliments are centering around shallow things - profile pictures, changes in hair, etc.

Everyone likes to get a compliment, but I'm just at a loss tonight...

Straight Forward

Although I would like to continue my fairy tale, I realized that it probably makes sense to no one but me. So, a few "simple" words...

First of all, I have one last observation on Michigan before I lay that case to rest - and it's not that they drink ginger soda. Even though the company was Japanese owned and everyone had to wear uniforms that made them look like mechanics, I decided that this company was one I could find myself working for as a private accountant. Back at my last client, that had never occurred to me. I think it's the size. Think, "The Office." I mean, there's comraderie.

Yesterday I did another of those special first year tasks, like getting snacks, making photocopies, and studying for the CPA exam. My task was called "file babysitting," and apparently they do this at every firm, but it's not that common. It was an opportunity, though! Essentially, one CPA firm is taking over one of our clients, and they want to look at our old workpapers, so I sit in the room and watch them do it. I planned a trip to Philadelphia in the morning. And in the afternoon - photocopies!

What I mean about an opportunity, though, is being able to witness the process of switching. I mean, we read about the standard format in our CPA exam studies - there are set questions to ask, there's a letter involved so the old firm can cover it's liabilities. And it was nice being on the inside, too. I mean, seeing the real flesh and blood behind the "case study." That, and it's a process that only managers and partners are really involved in because it is so risky, so I probably won't see it again until I take over or lose a client in five years.

And now for today.

Drumroll please!

Yes, it may surprise some of you the glamourous life I have been privy to, and how I've worked my way up through the ranks so quickly. Yesterday I was but unassigned. Today - yes, today I am doing "agreed upon procedures!" What, you may ask, has she done to deserve this honor? I know not, but I will tell you what - I'm super excited. Agreed upon procedures act like an audit, but they're more fun because they can theoretically be anything! My example would be the Oscars - the Academy votes and sends their votes directly into an accounting firm, who tabulates the votes and produces the sealed envelopes. This may actually be "consulting" work, but that's my example, and I'm sticking to it.

Well, I suppose no one else cares about that bit but me. But the REALLY exciting thing is that I'm doing these procedures for the Kansas City Chiefs! I worked in Arrowhead Stadium today, but I didn't see any football players. Maybe I did, but I wouldn't have recognized them.

I guess that's all the gushing I can do and still remain professional. I would only add that we also audit the Royals, and they are, I think, actually linked together, so whoever audits one audits them both. I am NOT on the real Chiefs assignment. I'm just out there for two days. But for all you sports fans....

And the Fairy Tale Continues

So there I was in the wilds of Michigan. I was in a frozen forest - trees all around. No leaves. Snow cruched beneath my feet - who knew how thick it was. And it was snowing again. I pulled the cloak around me and looked at the enormous fortress looming in front of me. "Three Leaf Manor." I wondered how the natives had even heard of leaves. The manor was dark and black. It looked like it had been burnt down once already. Tentatively lifting the large ring, I let it fall back with a hollow, "clunk!"

A tiny Japanese woman answered the door and bowed, then led me down a dark, narrow hall. The inside of the manor was just as bleak...the path led down, and there was water dripping in the hall. Something was causing a gentle but freezing breeze to flow through and touch every room. The lady gestured into a little dungeon. The knights were there, but they didn't even look at me when I came in. So I just picked up a sword and sharpened it until someone noticed me.

I befriended a few knights, who had also been tricked into daring into the cold reaches of Michigan. Lady of the Land and Sir Timothy Pickette were from the Capitol. They were squires of the very tops of the Knights ranks. Happy Child, Health, and Flower also introduced me to the Lord and Lady of the Manor, and explained our mission.

The Lord was former Japanese royalty who had moved to Michigan to be with his love. But they had fallen on hard times. Much like the Doom Mansion, they had lost their treasure. But in a most horrible way! It had not just been carelessly strewn about! Little elves had been running about the castle taking jewels at random. The Lord and Lady wanted us to take what was left of their treasure and devise a scheme to keep it safe. But they had little to offer.

I was given a tour of the Manor. The upper floors were brilliantly sunny and warm, with large fires going day and night. Each time I returned to my dungeon, I was filled with despair. There was infighting amongst the Knights, as well. Happy Child, Health, and Flower had been brought from Japan to help translate what the Lord said. Along with them came Kimono - their fearful leader. She caused many problems, as she tried to give orders that would most suit her timid lifestyle. However, she commanded little respect among her squires.

The leader of the Knights was a funny little man. He told a story of how he had once been a praying mantis. He had fallen in love with a fairy - but she knew how praying mantises were prone to violent behavior! So she had turned them both into full blown humans. Unfortunately, she had left him with incredibly good ears and an inability to fight his own battles.

And so, for four weeks, I would don my armour and bravely hold the sword while Lady of the Land and Sir Timothy tried out various self-defense moves on me. By the time I left, they still had not satifsactorily devised a means of safeguarding the Lord and Lady's jewels. But they were getting close.

But how did I ever escape? That is a story in itself. Each day that I awoke to the snow and dungeon grew heavy on me. Until one day, while up above in the sunny rooms of Three Leaf Manor, I looked out the window and saw grass! While in the dungeon, the snow had melted! I bounded down to the main doors, but there were many elves rushing behind me - trying to make me stay. I grabbed my sword and, using the flat, brushed aside the majority of my pursuers. Having gained a few seconds, I slammed the hilt against the lock of the manor's gate, and it swung free.

As I bolted across the drawbridge into the forest, I heard footsteps following close. Looking back I saw, not the elves, but all the Knights running for freedom. "Good luck!" The Lady of the Land called as she and Sir Timothy gallantly mounted horses and sped away towards the Capitol. I had paused to wave, but saw Kimono and the leader of the Knights, stuck in the muddy grass (once the snow had melted, the gras was so soft you had to be careful where you stepped or you'd sink right in), wading towards me and shouting for me to stop.

"This way!" I heard a voice from within the forest, and I blindly followed...

The Curse of the Girls

So I'm about to expose a theory of mine that is probably very controversial. That's one of the reasons that I decided to put it on my blog. The other reason - no one really reads this anyway, so I doubt anyone will get offended.

Perhaps it has not gone unnoticed this phenomenon with women - the hot ones, I mean, the really sexy ones, are kind of...well...bland. There's the stereotypical ditzy blonde. And then, of course, there's the stereotypical dorky nerd girl. I mean, the really smart girl who can't handle her hair, doesn't know fashion, and probably would have gigantic glasses if it weren't for the modern accessibility of contacts.

I have seen this in my life, although there are exceptions and stretchings to the rule. However, I feel there is definately a trade-off for women when it comes to being smart or pretty. And you don't see this trade-off in men. In fact, it seems like a lot of really cute guys are also very smart. Of course, no girl wants to be only one or the other, which is why I mention the exceptions and...well, the smart girls can look good, too!

So here's the theory, and it all has to do with how we're built - mentally, I mean.

So before about middle school age, girls and guys are kind of intellectual equals. By that I mean, the cute little girls and the not-so-cute little girls are all across the spectrum when it comes to how well they do in school. However, once they hit middle school, it starts to stratify.

See, guys get their "validation," from what they do, what they're good at. So whether they're good looking or not, tall or short, fat or thin, a guy will continue to strive to do his best at whatever he wants to get out of life - whether school or sports or something else.

Girls, however, get their "validation" from other people - from having a boyfriend, or having a strong group of girl friends. They need to be liked. Well, look at what happens to girls in middle school - they start developing their adult features, they get interested in clothes, some of their parents let them start wearing makeup. And middle schoolers are incredibly shallow and immature.

So we have several different types of girls at this point.

The girl who is naturally good looking will, of course, be accepted into the "popular" group. She will always have a gaggle of friends around her and a boyfriend (probably the cutest boy in school). In this situation, no matter what her academic potential, what motivation does she actually have? For her it is much better to spend her time keeping those friendships and keeping up the image that got her there.

Then there is the girl who is not good looking, but she is smart. This girl is not naturally accepted. She has to prove herself. Being in this "proving herself" category throws the girl into the same situation as the guys. If she's not accepted by people for who she is, then she will be accpeted by them for what she does. Likewise, if she joins clubs (drama, music, debate, speech), she will be joining "groups" and "teams," and thus making her friends that way.

Finally we have the girl who is neither smart nor good looking. Perhaps this girl has another talent and she pursues that. More often than not, however, the girl takes the "good looking" route. Although she wasn't blessed with the natural looks, she dons the popular clothes, layers on the makeup, and dyes her hair blonde. This is essentially where we get the stereotype of the ditzy blonde. Now, when I say not smart, this girl may not have an IQ of 145, but she does have the ability to study the world around her and conform. She can study fashion and keeps up with the latest styles. And when she's done shaping this image, she is pretty.

Now, I hope this shows a more positive outlook than I started with. Girls can be very talented and very smart. They also have that female allure - and everyone is pretty in their own way!

But this is my theory - I have case studies that I have examined to test it. And I also have House, or the writers behind it. In fact, the reason for this post tonight was that he validated my theory last night, when he said, "Beautiful women don't go to medical school. Human nature is to take the easiest course to a path. You could have married a rich man or been a model, or even just had it handed to you for showing up."

On Communication

Well, kind of fitting for my 50th post to be about communication - at the very least, I think it's a fund one.

In one of my recent "learn something useful" rampages, I started reading books on men and women and how they think and communicate differently. These books are fascinating! I think they helped me a little in relating to guys - but it's a process that's ever growing. Even those authors weren't perfect in understanding the sexes. (And that includes their own - I think I wrote on this earlier, but I learn more about girls from these books than guys sometimes!)

Now, I know that somehow when it comes to explaining something I read in my own words, I fall apart. However, I will try. One recurring motif from these books was that women are essentially better communicators - their minds are very "talking," oriented. They work things out by talking things out. And that's why they end up talking about feelings and such.

A fun discussion for another day might just be the fine line between a woman needing to "let it out," or "talk through something," and plain old "complaining." Well, even when you're happy, you're still yappy. :) I remember listening to my mom give a run down of her day every night at dinner. My dad - don't remember him really talking about his day that much at all!

And I put up with it. And he puts up with it. And I know that I do the same thing - to my dad, friends, etc. 'Aha!' I thought, 'But the difference is, I know how to make it sound interesting!' To me, that is.

So I decided to take today - this normal day in the life of Sarah - and put it in different formats - for different audiences. This is the same day - just stretched about and reworded.

"So, how was your day?"
"Terrible! It was so boring!"
This response to the most casual of questions is usually frowned upon. In America we have a strange obsession with happiness. When someone asks, especially in passing, how someone is, they expect to get, "Fine," "Ok," "Good," "Great!" or even "Excellent!" Never go below "fine" or "ok."

"So, how was your day?"
"Good."
Okay, that's my response to the same stranger, except being a true American. Not lying - just changing the strength of my positive response. There were good aspects.

Now let's try the boring dissemination of information:
"Well, I got to work at 8:30, but no one was there. Then Tim showed up around 10:00, and we went to lunch. After the boss showed up, I had stuff to work on. We're setting up APG's for the 2007 audit, and I had some comments to clear. Then Shona and Tomoka came - I'm so glad they're going to be here this week! They're so much fun! Anyway, I, of course, got to go on the dinner run. And my manager chastised me for signing my name to a document I didn't understand. I got to go get dinner, as usual. We didn't get off until 8:30 - I thought he was never going to let us go."
I think that essentially covers all the points that I, as a girl, need to communicate. And yet, it seems like - an entry from an 1800's railcar worker's journal.

So, when talking to my girl friends, I'd probably say something more like the following - something I personally consider to be more interesting than the above:
"We have a new guy today, Tim. He's from Washington D.C. He came around 10:00, and no one was here to let him in. So he called Jack, who emailed me, to come get him. After lunch we had the same problem - except this time both of us were locked outside! Anyway, Tim looks kind of like Jim from "The Office." He seems pretty nice. But neither of us knew what to do since there was no one there to order us around - so helpless! Finally Jack showed up, but it was another hour until he actually assigned me anything. When Shona came, we got down to business. But it was also nice breaking the silence every now and then: Talking to Tomoka and Shona. We got in a huge discussion about taxes - and how none of us really know how to do them! Hopefully we'll get off earlier tomorrow night!"
Okay, so even I found that to be a bit boring - but it was true to the day. And enthusiastic at least. I do know that during my "boring" day, I was pre-planning this out, and it sounded better.
Maybe next time.

Restatement of a Prior Opinion

Perhaps I was a little too judgmental on Detroit, or "D-Town," as I call it. I think the word I had used was "accursed."

I am, of course, putting my frustration with my job with the city. I mean - Brighton is what appears to be a half cutesy ski-community that is struggling to maintain that "bright" image. My job is freezing, my manager completely frustrates me, and the calibre of work I've been doing seems to have regressed again.

Then again, the fact that I'm even willing to write this "retraction," is partially due to a couple of good days at work...and some rest and relaxation over the holidays.

But as far as Detroit goes - It's no Chicago or Manhattan. But I suppose if I gave it another chance, I could equate it to Kansas City - not somewhere I'd choose to live, but livable. There are unique features.

It seemed to me the ground was eternally covered with a layer of snow. Now, when you're cold, your'e tired of winter, and that's not good. But it actually can be pretty - and nice that a fresh layer arrives every morning to cover up the slush on the roads from the day before.

Add to that the forests that I keep seeing. Of course, I'm driving through dead forests in fog or night, so I can't really analyze them. But I can tell that there's more of them than there are in Kansas.

Now, there is a drawback - the accent drives me nuts! In Chicago, the accent was cute, except on middle age women, where it made most of their drawbacks worse.

Now here - on the other hand - I have difficulty not laughing every time I hear anyone speak. I find myself wondering if they know how ridiculous they sound. Unlike a southern accent - which I opine to be annoying but others adore - this accent almost seems "made up." Like someone said, "Let's just elongate all our 'a's for no reason at all." The saddest part - names. I couldn't stand to hear Ashley's sister call her Aaaaaaaaaaaaashley on the plane ride here.

Enough on their accent. I went to a gorgeous mall today - which shows that there are good things in this city. And you can get some pretty good meal deals.

So, essentially, I take it back. Detroit is not "accursed." It's just - cold and accent challenged.

How Far We've Come

Well, there's a song I'd like to break down again. It's actually not a Christian song, so I don't think it has many theological implications. But I do like it, and I think it can bea thinker. It's Matchbox 20 (or is it Twenty?) and real popular right now, but no one I try to discuss it with seems to have heard it.

"Waking up at the start of the end of the world, but it's feeling just like every other morning before. Now I wonder what my life is going to mean and it's gone.
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour at that. Started staring at the passengers...." Okay, not sure what he says. Anyway, since I interrupted myself, I just like the visual here. This could totally be the end of the world in the guy's head, or the real end (everyone's trying to escape, so there's a huge traffic jam).

"...I wonder what was ever really special about me all this time." I LOVE this line. I think it's awesome and could convey so much more than it does. I mean, I think we're all special, but even more than we're special, we all think we're special. Of course, at the end of this guy's life, he's wondering why. Why does he think he's special? Can anyone validate him? Was his life worth anything?

"I believe the world is burning to the ground. Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out. Let's see how far we've come! Let's see how far we've come! I believe it all is coming to an end. Oh well, I guess we're gonna pretend. Let's see how far we've come. Let's see how far we come!" I think the telling lyrics in the chorus are "Oh well." A wise friend of mine once commented that we can do anything we set our minds to. That aside, I figure when the world actually does come to an end - when God decides its over - there's really little we can do about it. We're just all riding this cosmic ball together.

More lyrics I can't remember...."I started crying, but I couldn't stop myself. I started running but there's nowhere to run to!" Well the first part is understandable at the end of the world. However, I like the running phrase. There's no where to run to. Where do you go when the ENTIRE world is ending.

Anyway, I don't know where I was going in sharing this with everyone, but I really like this song. There's another one I like, too. By Fergie:

"I hope you know. I hope you know. That this has nothing to do with you. It's personal myself and I. We've got some straightening up to do. But I'm gonna miss you like a child misses it's blankie, but I've gotta get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now . And big girls dont' cry."

Anyway, I like how this song is about breaking up - if it's sincere or if it's just an excuse (not about you, all about me) it's amazing! And at the very least, it soundes like an easy letdown. But I like it because, if you take out romantic references in the choruses, then I think it kind of expresses the sentiments I feel towards my parents. I'm going to miss them, but I need to break away from the nest and live my own life.

Much along the lines of my discorses from weeks past.

Sarah's Five Step Four Step Plan for Greater Self-Confidence

Well, I don't want to write about this today because I have other thoughs running through my head. Like: if you were a princess stranded in a tower, what could the handsome prince throw up to you to make you fall in love with him? :)

But a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

So last summer started off terribly - I discovered that I had a major inheritance, was financially secure, and went to Disney World with my sister. Okay, so it wasn't all terrible, but I'm serious about the financial bit - it's no fun if you don't have to try!

Anyway, I was struggling with confidence. Namely it boiled down to this - there are so many other girls out there who everyone likes, and I couldn't figure out why. And then I figured it out - it was all about confidence. The act of believing you are...well, whatever, is almost as good as actually being it!

So I set out to find my confidence.

I came up with a five step program - it mostly dealt with appearance (haircut, makeup, etc.) And of course, much like my "Nine Step Seven Step Plan to Discovering the Church That's Right for Me," there were really only four steps.

And the zero step.

The zero step, contrary to what you may think, does not, apply towards the five steps. It is much too important for that.

The zero step is, essentially this: once you decide to be more confident, it doesn't matter what you actually do, it will work. I mean, everything I did turned out wrong! But it didn't get me down, because I had decided to do something. Instead of moping about not being the most popular, or feeling down on myself, I decided to do something about it. And that was the most important step.

So, next time you want to do something to boost your self esteem - or do anything else for yourself - lose weight, learn to tap dance. The first step is the most important - to do something, to commit to whatever it is you have decided to do. To stop moping about what's not perfect, and just do it.

Random Ponderings

Well, I don't think that it's necessary to blog just because I have some free time. However, I feel like thoughts are running around inside my head, and that one of them might take form. Then again, I've got that same writer's block that takes my enchanted story ideas from my head and turns them into two-year-old writing on the computer. Bleh.

Last year I had a theory that too much time alone with my thoughts was a bad thing - that I just got too critical of myself and the world around me. Now I'm rethinking that theory. It still holds. But there are qualifications. I think the danger of being alone with your thoughts comes when you are alone with people, or alone when you should be with people.

For example, when I was in Chicago, I was probably the most confident I've ever been. Probably one of the reasons I want to go back there. Also one of the reasons I'm afraid to. I was alone - but I didn't have much of a choice. I had two friends already there, and a few more I'd made from work. But really, when it came down to it - no roommate, no church friends, no pals to call up on the evenings or weekends.

But when you're sitting in a group of people, stony silent (not in an angry way, but in a shy way), well, that's when it hits you. I mean, an interesting person would have people talking to her. She would be able to join in with something that would delight the whole group.

And the other problem is when you're alone because...I don't know...a friend bowed out of a lunch date, your other friends are doing homework and you're done, etc. I think the danger there is that you feel you should have more friends - more options. That you weren't the top of their list.

Of course, neither of those scenarios are logically correct. Although, Janel and I had a joke about all the things that ranked above me in her life: school, plants, sleep, fiance....and so on...

I have no idea where this is going. Perhaps it will continue until it has a concrete ending. Or I could stop now.

I think what we had decided (we being me and a friend of mine) was to just take the confidence with me from Chicago back to Kansas City. I mean, there's only a few sorority girls standing in my way. And maybe there's a better way of saying all that.

Everyone knows that we're all our own worst critics. And I guess that when you're alone - I mean, truly alone - what have you got to be critical of? You see your downfalls, acknowledge them, and move on. But when you're in a group, all of the sudden there's a standard to compare yourself to. It's not that you're not interesting - it's that you're not as interesting as her. And it's not that you don't have any friends. It's that you don't have as many friends as you should.

Maybe, then, we all do it?

All I know is that, I'm so happy to be able to find my way out of dangerous thoughts. I mean, if I find myself dwelling on the same thing over and over again, I take control, yell at myself, and order myself to just do something about it. Like my five step plan to greater self confidence.

Yes, I think that was a good introduction to Sarah's Five Step Plan. That shall be the next post!